Escaping From a Cult
I first met Lisa Williams when we were both in periods of change. My career in newspapers was teetering and she was embarking on a scary path—fully escaping the cult she grew up with, including her family, friends and spouse. She agreed to share her story via Q&A, part of an occasional series in this blog about change: recognizing the need, figuring out how and adjusting to the aftermath.
What led you to seek change/transformation in your life?
I knew from a very young age that I didn’t fit into a high-control evangelical cult community (known today as People of Praise) that featured communal living, endless meetings and corporal punishment. I didn’t buy all the doomsday messages and I didn’t believe God could send all my “unsaved” friends to hell. I clearly remember one day when I was 9 and had a friend over. My mom called me a Jezebel, threw me on the floor in an exorcism attempt, rebuking Satan and his demons, demanding they “loose their hold” on my soul. Why? Because I didn’t want to do my chores while the friend was visiting.
In my teens, I longed to go to parties, listen to rock music and crush on cute boys. But the normal things came with severe physical discipline and shame. When I got caught, it festered a growing resentment toward God and my parents. I learned to lie, which only brought about more shame and guilt. It was a miserable cycle and a complete suppression of autonomy.
When I was 19, I decided to backpack across Europe with a friend. My parents were infuriated, saying I would be “out from under the protection of God” and “galivanting around the world sending the wrong message.” I found the experience amazing! It was the first time I felt true freedom, like not having my day scheduled for me.
The trip opened my eyes to different cultures and traditions, food and music, new terrain and the most impactful—other people not like me. I met the most open-hearted souls of every skin color and religion—and that’s when I started to doubt that a loving God was going to cast them all to an eternity of fire.
When I returned home, I moved out and unknowingly began my personal long journey of deconversion—only I didn’t have the words for that yet. It took two decades and lots of tears to fully become my own person, walking away from an (eventual) 22-year marriage and a church of cultlike control, purity culture, shaming and constant judging.
What were the scariest things about considering change?
I knew was going to be leaving friends and family of 42 years, and they would disappear and reframe the story. The church taught its followers not to associate with the “backsliders.” My family sent me a family tree with my name removed, calling it “tough love.” That was my sign to go, and I was painfully relieved.
What are the benefits you have seen having made the change?
Six years after a long and arduous divorce, I married my wonderful husband. My new father-in-law walked me down the aisle. I know now what I am passionate about, and when to call BS. I can see people’s motivations more clearly. Today, I find myself laughing out loud, something I never did before. I have learned what unconditional love really looks like through my supportive kids, my husband and his family, and my friends. I moved to a place I never thought I would live, and the bills are actually paid on time and the lights stay on thanks to not tithing it all away. Life is effortless compared to what I now look back on as pure chaos and stress. I ditched black-and-white thinking and can navigate the gray. I found creativity I never knew I had in things like painting and sewing, and I have become involved in local volunteering for causes I am passionate about. I have more free time and can have a mimosa on a Sunday morning with no shame! I still believe in a higher power; just not their idea of him.
What advice do you have for people who might be ready or considering a change?
Change represents uncertainty, which is always painful. We want to live a predictable life, to feel safe. It’s neuroscience, it’s what our brain does. But change can be full of growth and personal development. Change is stepping outside of usual thoughts and beliefs. It often leads to new relationships and new experiences, and it creates flexibility, open-mindedness, new perspective, motivation and compassion. We often get stuck in the “pre-contemplative stage” of change, where you’re not truly ready. That’s OK—you will know your time. Just make sure to listen to your body. Change is stressful and can be lonely. Rest when you need to, read books by the fire, write at the coffee shop. You will only wish you had done it sooner.