Big T, little t

Many times in my work as a counselor, clients have said things like: “My problems are nothing compared to those of other people” or “The world is such a mess, what do I have to complain about” or “It’s not like I had to fight in a war or was abused by my parents.”

People say these things to downplay their own struggles in present day. It is a form of self-soothing, and to some degree can mitigate peoples’ tendency to “catastrophize” problems into more than what they are.

But when we repeatedly minimize our personal struggles, we are disrespecting our need to properly acknowledge and deal with wounds that may come back to haunt us repeatedly over time.

I’m talking about “little t” traumas.

Let me explain a little more. “Big T” traumas are issues in which people suffer physical or sexual assault, witness or experience violence, or are caught in a natural disaster or accident. These are usually life-threatening experiences directly suffered or witnessed. “Little t” traumas are stressful events that are not life-threatening, but still cause emotional suffering. Think about ongoing emotional abuse, the loss or a pet, an abusive boss. These are “little t” traumas.

Here’s the thing, though. Research shows that all forms of trauma have a similar effect on the human brain and can lead to dysfunctional responses such as increased substance use or lashing out from the so-called reptilian brain in a “fight” manner.

I’ll share a personal example.

After journalism left me behind, I entered marketing and communications work and for six years endured an insecure boss who made my life miserable. One day, early in the relationship with the woman who became my wife, Terrie shared an observation. She noticed that regardless of the joy we experienced in our time together on a given weekend, about midday Sunday afternoon, my mood changed. I became quieter and distracted. It took her no time at all to figure out something I’d never even noticed—I was becoming gloomy as my new work week approached, steeling myself for the issues to come.

Having a bad boss was an ongoing “little t” trauma in my life because it affected my emotional mood. Once Terrie told me her observation, I was able to better regulate my mood while with her. I also had a fascinating insight into an effect of trauma on my life. I began to seriously consider a question of myself that I often ask of clients today—“What do you want?”

What I wanted was to learn more about the human condition, and to be able to do greater good than was possible in marketing and communications.

I entered graduate school for counseling in May 2016, just a a few months later.

We can work through traumas—“Big T” or “little t.” It’s usually best to do so with licensed therapists, who are trained to protect clients from re-traumatization. Either way, it’s important to know that these traumas of our lives—big or small, older or newer—should be acknowledged. And by acknowledging them and learning about their effect, we can reduce their hold on us today.